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| No matter how hard I think my life is, I know that others have it worse...much worse.
Things are hard. They always are. It always seems like horrible stuff happens around this time of year.
The holidays. Time that should be spent with family...
Time that should be happy and celebrated..
A few weeks ago Ian's dad died.
It was pretty sudden. Expected to a certain extent, but still sudden.
Right before Thanksgiving.
How do you even begin to be there for someone when something like that happens?
I just hope that my actions and love have been evident to him and his family.
I just found out last night that one of my really good friends, Ian's best friend to be exact, had his dad die on Thursday. It too was expected, but still so sudden.
His dad had cancer, and had for a couple of years.
It's so hard. It's so weird. It makes you scared for what else may happen.
People say that death happens in threes.
Well, I really hope those people are stupid and that that saying is wrong.
I really do.
Here's a secret:
I have always internally thought that everyone I care about gets hurt. And not just in some way, but always in a big way. It seems painfully true right now.
Is it me?
I know it couldn't be, but...
I just can't take knowing that people I love with all my heart are hurting with no way for me to fix it. | | |
| everything pretty much sucks. it always does. it just starts sucking less long enough to make you feel like it's not sucking, but then it starts sucking much worse...
so instead you drink a beer and try to forget about it.
but you never forget about it.
i wanted, for like, just a moment, to feel free from all the tyranny of bullshit in my life. Not even so much bullshit but more so pain and anger. Just as soon as some pills and essentially fabricated happiness started kicking in, and I started to feel like I could really try to deal with this like a normal human being and not an absolute wreck, more shit happens. It's like living it all over again, really. Only now I feel like I am absolutely helpless. Even more than before. And all that I feel is a deep sense of being alone and just.... completely missing her...
that's what it's always been but
now i feel like
maybe i really could have saved her
just by beating the shit out of him back
just for once.
and taken her away from such an evil person.
but i didnt. and i have to live with that. even though i dont want to. and no matter how many people tell me it's not my fault. i know it is. i should have protected her. she would have protected me. without a second thought.
I was young. and a kid.
if anything now, i'm a much better friend. definitely a lot more cautious about things than i was before.
if anything now, i'm a better person....with the complex of one whose a lot worse.
lauren, i love you.
i am depressed. | | |
| For those of you that know Lauren, you know what happened to her, and you probably all have the same suspicion that her family and i have, that devin did that shit to her...
but no matter what i have always tried to have a positive outlook on people. this however, changes my mind
Thursday, October 15, 2009 10:17 AM CDT
A Pocola man accused of killing his Van Buren girlfriend’s 16-month-old daughter was ordered held on $550,000 bond Wednesday.
Devin Alex Pendleton, 26, who was arrested by Van Buren Police on first-degree murder charges in the death of Alexis Evans, appeared by video link before Crawford County Circuit Court Judge Gary Cottrell on Wednesday in Van Buren.
Chief Deputy Prosecutor Robert Presley told Cottrell that Pendleton admitted to police he had violently shaken the infant and thrown her against a concrete floor on Oct. 4. The incident occurred at a Van Buren residence shared by Pendleton and the girl’s mother, Sara Shores.
The child was transported to Summit Medical Center and then transferred to Arkansas Children’s Hospital in Little Rock, where she died Oct. 6.
Presley asked that bond be set at $1 million. He claimed Pendleton had previously been charged with assault and that he was “extremely violent.”
Police files indicate Pendleton told investigators several stories about how the injuries occurred. According to police, he related incidents of abuse he had suffered as a child and asked investigators to tell family members he was not “a monster.”
Pendleton’s court appearance occurred within several hours of a possible Tuesday evening suicide attempt by the suspect.
Capt. Jim Damante of the Crawford County Sheriff’s Department said Wednesday that investigators were working a case of attempted suicide at the jail.
and this one just makes me smile...
A man being held in the death of his Van Buren girlfriend’s 16-month-old daughter tried to take his own life, according to an internal investigation at the Crawford County jail.
Devin Alex Pendleton, 26, of Pocola is being held at the jail on a first degree murder charge in the death of Alexis Evans.
On Tuesday evening, authorities found Pendleton in his cell with a blanket tied around his neck, according to a Sheriff’s Office report by investigator Ken Howard. The other end of the blanket was tied to a handle on the outside of the cell door. The blanket had been tied to the handle by reaching through the tray door where the food is placed for the inmate, according to the report. Pendleton was the only inmate in the cell at the time.
Pendleton was transported to Summit Medical Center where he was treated and released. He was not harmed during the attempt, authorities said. He has since been placed on suicide watch at the jail.
Pendleton admitted to police he had violently shaken the infant and thrown her against a concrete floor on Oct. 4, according to court documents. The incident occurred at a Van Buren residence shared by Pendleton and the girl’s mother, Sara Shores.
The child was transported to Summit Medical Center and then transferred to Arkansas Children’s Hospital in Little Rock, where she died Oct. 6.
Police files indicate Pendleton told investigators several stories about how the injuries occurred. According to police, he related incidents of abuse he had suffered as a child and asked investigators to tell family members he was not “a monster.”
Authorities talked to Pendleton following his suicide attempt, and he was asked why he did it. Pendleton said he was “depressed because of the charges and just wanted to die,” according to the report.
I hope that fucking baby killer mother fucker doesnt get a second chance to kill himself. i hope he goes to trial, gets put in prison, and has some aryan brother rape the shit out of his asshole and then fucking kill him...and i hope he dies a painful and slow death.
this fucking bitch tried to kill my best friend. and now because of him she lives in a fucking nursing home. it may have never had enough evidence for him to be arrested, but this fucking ass hole is getting his big cock in the ass shot of karma right now. seriously... | | |
| yeah, I had it.
Could have been worse.
Also, could have been easier.
All in all, wouldn't wanna do it again....
In response to someone who said something, yeah, sandysmells is still on xanga.
just only sometimes.
and mostly not at all.
or with anything interesting to say,
but
i am still here. none the less............
i have an idea for a painting..now i just need to do it..
Sandy | | |
| I am becoming an expert at attaining no sleep.
I feel like I was somehow made for it though. I wish I could say that I've never had insomnia, but that just wouldn't true. Honestly, right now that's not even the case. I've just been avoiding sleep more than anything. This whole week, Monday through Friday, I've been waking up super early every morning. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday at 5:45AM and Wednesday at 6:45am. That's not entirely bad except for the fact that I have not been going to bed any earlier than midnight each night. Why, you ask? Because I'm stupid. And because there's an hour long block of Family Guy at 11. No seriously. That's why. I mean, sure I'm not getting any sleep, but the Family Guy quotes never seem to end...
School started. I like it. I like that I'm at an art school. I think I definately made the right choice in schools as well. My drawing teacher is badass. Her paintings/drawings are amazing and I hope she can steer me in the direction of good drawings as well.
I wish I had some more interesting things to say. But I am about to go drink some vodka with some friends. Yup. Vodka.
Sandy
ps i do not think that cameron diaz is attractive. nor do i believe that that is her real last name | | |
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